Are you a Glamour Puss?

Mansion Event Brings the Pros and the Dreamers Into a Historic Setting

By Catman

What excites you about poker? Is it the winning or losing, the fun or the pain? Whatever attracts you to the world’s sexiest game, I think we can rest assured that deep inside you is a little bit of a “Glamour Puss,” like myself. So when The Gibraltar Monkey, alias Craig Perry, from Mansion put a post up on The Hendon Mob site that Les Ambassadeurs London was to play host to The Mansion London Open Poker Tournament, I got that very special feeling, the one you get when a horny babe passes you in a corridor.

For Les A is to glamour and opulence as Pacino is to Scarface – work that one out.

Les A is simply one of the most historic of London casinos, having welcomed the cream of society since the 19th century. Added to that, the owners of Les A are the great Sampoerna family, and Michael Sampoerna is also the helm of Mansion Poker. Michael loves poker. He is one of the nicest guys you will ever meet, and unlike many in the world of poker who attempt to mimic class, Michael and his family simply share it. Apart from that, I have never met the owner of a global branded poker site, so it makes it a little more personal.

With the bittersweet memories of nearly falling asleep watching the mighty ‘durrrr’ play his Million Dollar challenge in Les A awhile back, the thought of Mansion’s £2,000 deep-stack event got me considerably more interested. The ‘Durrrr’ Challenge was the ultimate ego trip for The Durrrr and his challengers, but the room in which it was played far outshone the viewing gratification provided by the game within, for watching poker is rarely invigorating. Things change a little if you have a vested interest, of course, or are playing the game yourself.

With no further ado, I attempted my standard journalist seat blag, and alas struck a blank, so it was do or die – I needed at least one seat for the game.

Solution: I locked Catgirl in her cage and explained that there would be no more milk until she had won what was one of the last two £50 satellite seats. Catgirl was sick, she smashed the security glass holding her credit card, slotted $20 onto Mansion, and played a $7 rebuy satellite to take her through to the final two-seat online qualifier. The next night, two days before the actual event, she played the seat-only qualifier and took down one of two seats. We’re in business.

Learning Life’s Toughest Game

Mansion Poker has always offered fantastic overlays; in fact, in the early days they nearly overlaid Catgirl and myself as sponsored players, but alas there was a company reshuffle and the marketing director went further afield. A couple of years back the Catgirl was a regular horse in the Les A £5 grand sitdown, mere peanuts of course to most of you, but most of its players could buy the likes of durrrr out 100 times over and still sneeze at it. Les A just stinks of class, so with that in mind I whisked the Catgirl down to The International Club (alias Gutshot) to warm up in the 30 squidder.

Two lessons were learnt: One, forget Gay Raising Cowboys – you are only going to get called and destroyed by a set. Lesson 2 consisted of about seven lessons, as Catgirl watched me play like a dog on meth to get to the final. Then for some historic reason, watching me forget that the difference between fifth and first was £500, enough to do some really nice shopping with.

“Focus, focus and focus you say to me, watch the other players, watch the stacks, you were drinking your tea as you took on the two chip leaders with A-K and folded,” blasted the Catgirl during the painful trip home. I had given the Poker Queen the ultimate lesson in how to play like a donk, and indeed, deserved to pay the price.

London Poker Open

The Mansion London Poker Open event was to be held in the Red Room, a section of the casino that was once one of London’s most exclusive dining clubs, a venue I had in fact visited way back then. A vast cavernous space that had been decked out in the very best money could buy. Craig Stevens, the poker room manager, greeted me. “I used to manage 46 Genting casinos, but this is a different world. I am so delighted with the turnout tonight, 111 players, with 12 alternates. Last night we had a £600K pot in the cash game. It really does help having a boss who loves poker. I told Michael what we needed and he said, ‘Whatever you think is best, get it.’ “

As Craig spoke I became more hypnotised by the Gilt Framed Plasma Screen Clock. Craig was the right man for the job, and he was truly ecstatic about this inaugural Mansion Open. So was I, so much so that I popped upstairs to the casino and savoured some great coffee and biscuits while the Catgirl contemplated whether she needed a glass of wine to take on this challenge.

John Tabatabai, Betfair’s pro and one of the most charming kids on the block, joined us for a natter and finally decided to accept first place on the alternates list.

This event wasn’t just about high-stakes poker: There were around 45 online qualifiers who were shacked up in the Hilton and to them this was an affordable dream. The eclectic mix of novice and pro was to provide for an exciting game, forget the hour clock, it was to be an adrenaline rocket ship possibly leading to fame and fortune – well definitely in the case of up-and-coming rookies like the Catgirl.

With that in mind we ventured down to the Red Room so Catgirl could take her seat with the big boys. Having just returned from playing women-only poker in the Caribbean, the Catgirl was in her element, returning to her old stalking ground. I stood back and watched her get into the game. She looked flushed and totally unhappy. It was at this point I thought that it might be time for a “Vicky Coren” (named after VC’s wine tipple that she said helped her to victory in the London EPT) and grabbed one for a Lady Godiva (fiver) at the bar.

“My head is exploding,” she whispered. The Catgirl took a couple of quick nips and quickly settled to muse and purr her way into the game – the glass was to last the night. To her left a seasoned pro and my friend Brian Johnson, which would mean a possibly submissive blind, to attack. I wandered off pacing like an expectant father in anticipation of what the buffet might bring.

The Games Begin

It wasn’t long before John “Tabby” Tabatabai caught my attention, getting it all-in on the flop on a paired board, his kings doubling him up. After some jostling and joking with Barny Boatman with regard to the slowness of his Iphone’s Hendon Mob odds calculator, John was only to get straight back into bed with the mad Scandie. It was a strange flop with Tabby hitting a set of tens, betting out more than the pot for his opponent to call to hit a gutshot queen for a straight, then raping Tabs for most of his stack back…

S--t was happening all over as it does in the first couple of hours of a deep-stack event. Without experience, it is hard to figure the best style of play for such an event, so most took the “sit back nit” mode. Catgirl has always adopted the Ram Vaswani style of “get it early.”

Two who don’t know the meaning of the word “slowly” were Boatman and high-stakes star Richard “Chufty” Ashby, who got into a little overexuberant and costly action early on. The chips at Les A, like everything else, were larger than life, about twice the size of a normal chip, I feck you not, and it seems they made some players a little more excited than others. Chufty opens a pot with a standard raise, Barny Boatman attempts to call, but in a novice moment puts in a larger chip, thus denoting a raise. Player 3 in the pot reraises; Ashby thinks he is jumping on Barney’s misdemeanour and shoves, Player 3 calls, Barny passes. Ashby hits a set of eights whilst his opponent hits his set of kings, leaving Ashby all but fecked.

I go back to check on the Catgirl. She comes over. “I have got that kid tied up on the end of the table,” she says. I smile, knowing she ain’t kidding – the kid was Laurence “Rivermanl” Houghton, with $1.6 million in winnings online. Catgirl did not know or care of his history – her confidence and reads were strong. He was just another of Catgirl’s bitches – who said learning the game live doesn’t have advantages.

So the story goes on, and the whistle blows for the buffet break after three hours of play. Brian Johnson asks me how Catgirl is doing. I reply “you are sitting next to her, she just need to improve her stack.”

Brian responds: “Catman, she has a great stack if you ask me.”

Catgirl laughs at this one, too, thinking to herself: “Great! More big-blind stealing!”

The hot and cold buffet does not let anyone down, prawns and salmon, etc., etc., till the cows come home. Play recommences and Catgirl is moved onto a much more affable table containing Tabby, Barny and the said Mad Scandie, amongst others. Making the mistake of driving, I must remain sober whilst I converse with two of my great journalist friends on the outdoor smoking deck, which is just below, London’s only outdoor gaming area.

Fred and Dicky, who have both savoured the delights of a few bevvies, scream out” Catgirl is all-in with bullets; no maybe it is A-K, counters Freddy. I don’t know where to look, or which god to pray to. Aces stand up against the mad Scandie and she is now well and truly into the game.

Getting Some Views

With that done I meet up with a few of Mansion’s qualifiers, one of them Sean Scott from Hull:

“Yes, this is a big event for me, I play Dusk to Dawn, and I won a £10k buy-in once and funny enough I was on Willie Tann’s table that time, too. I never come to London unless catching a plane…Les A is really nice, it’s well organised.”

Sean returned 30 minutes later having done his stack to Willie Tann., I believe, that aside, he was still happy, as only a northerner could be. Word spread that Catman was outside ready to listen to bad beat tales and a queue slowly massed of online busters.

I chatted to another six or so online qualifiers and all were fresh and unlike the rest of the seasoned pros grafting in yet another game; it was inspiring and refreshing. I then take the opportunity to remind Craig the TD that no one gives a flying f--k about Roland’s massing chip count, so please stop telling us.

So what had Mansion to say about the whole thing? I was intrigued, so I grabbed Poker Manager Ian Wylie for a few corporate views.

“Mansion Poker has been sending players to live events for some time, so the idea of running our own live tournament is not a new one. Whilst we don’t have the history and mass player interest of a WSOP or EPT event the one asset we do have is the venue at Les Ambassadeurs Club in Park Lane. The club stands on the site of one of King Henry VIII’s hunting lodges and is thought to have been built in 1810.

“I hope that this is the beginning of more Mansion live events, we have not yet had time to digest all the details of this event, but I hope that this will become a regular event on the London poker scene, becoming an annual or maybe even twice yearly event. The success of this inaugural tournament augers well for the future and the impressive turnout both in numbers and in terms of the calibre of player exceeded our expectations.

“If the tournament can attract players like Roland de Wolfe, Ross and Barny Boatman, Willie Tann, Nick Persaud, John Tabatabai and Andy “Greekfish” Andreou, then it should become a “must play” event in the annual poker calendar.”

I explained that no one gave a monkey’s about pros, and I for one would prefer if they all f--ked off somewhere else – all you need is the support of Mansion and the venue would rock. Craig got the humour and although a very strict TD, Craig ran an event that seemed fault free.

Catgirl on the Prowl

The Greekfish was sponsored into this event by Mansion, and a character he is, providing some wonderful verbal entertainment and a warming smile till he did his nuts. Also present were the likes of former international footballer and high-stakes cash player Teddy Sheringham, Richard Gryko, Everest Italian pro Cristiano Blanco and Charalambos “Bambos” Xanthos. Just another event, no, this was the right formula – big bucks, sensible-size field and stunning waitresses. Yes, the Les A Waitresses rocked the house in their pillbox hats and red satin skirts, they were very reminiscent of the old Playboy bunnies, just a little more refined and Red Bull sexy.

Catgirl is on the move and is seated with a rather choice selection of villains; to her left, William Hill Pro James Browning and next but one, the great Willie “Diceman” Tann, $1.5 million in lifetime tourney earnings. I have always told the Catgirl to study Willie Tann; he is one of the world’s great people readers and a master of the preflop steal-raise.

Willie enlightens us: “Catman, always be grateful for what you have got, not mournful for what you have not got.” Can you beat Willie Tann’s philosophy? The answer is no.

James and Willie have both played the Catgirl before; both like her, allowing her easier blind steals on Willie until he has enough and spanks her a couple of times. James’ keeps the small blind/big blind battles friendly and by 3am the Catgirl leaves the casino, close to the top ten of the last 50 players for Day 2.

The Next Day… 

Next day blinds are up to man-size bites, the Catgirl is happy and the field is down to 27, when things start to go pear-shaped.

Catgirl picks up the aces for the second time in eight hours, pot is opened with a raise, Catgirl attempts to make a decent reraise but lugs in the wrong chip for a min-raise. Flop comes blank, opponent checks, Catgirl goes all-in and opponent turns over jacks. Happy days – for a moment. Runner-runner straight and a devastating split pot. There is a break and I warn Catgirl that there is nothing more dangerous than if Willie wakes up and actually has a hand. Four hands later, Catgirl – still with a very ample stack – picks up cowboys. Tann raises under the gun, Catgirl (claws on fire) pushes, with the Diceman insta-calling with Q-Q.

Again, I didn’t know which way to look – this will make her the chip leader and almost certain of a final table. Well, as you well know, the queen came for Tann and Catgirl is out of the Mansion open a few hands later in 26th. Yes, she was more than on the verge of tears, as this was a massive event and would have guaranteed a major sponsorship deal.

Alas, life goes on, the devastation lasted an hour and the sorrow only lasted 24 hours.

With the final table fast looming, Willie runs A-8 into James Vogl’s aces and goes out tenth.

Final Table Chip Counts

Seat 1: Brian Johnson – 165,000

Seat 2: Chris Brider – 45,000

Seat 3: Ross Boatman – 360,000

Seat 4: A Ahmed – 65,000

Seat 5: James Vogl – 385,000

Seat 6: C Heich – 30,000

Seat 7: Nick Jenkins – 140,000

Seat 8: Roland de Wolfe – 105,000

Seat 9: T Maxwell – 355,000

The final was played out with a three-way split and guess who, the one and only Roland de Wolfe taking it down. Lean, mean and moody…well, mostly true, Roland muscled his way like a bull in a china shop to another deserving notch in his belt.

Congratulation are also due to C Heich, the Internet qualifier, and of course, out of retirement 2004 WSOP bracelet winner James Vogl.

The Result

1st Roland de Wolfe – £77,700

2nd James Vogl – £42,180

3rd Nick Jenkins – £28,860

4th T Maxwell – £22,200

5th Chris Brider – £17,760

6th Brian Johnson – £13,320

7th C Heich – £8,880

8th Ross Boatman – £6,600

9th A Ahmed – £4,440

The European poker player is spoilt for choice, with an event for every pocket, but none can provide the glamour experienced in a building haunted by the air of historical wealth.

I don’t want a Bentley, it is a meaningless statement, but I do want to play the next £2K at Les A.

Catman is the world’s best-looking poker agent.